[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"There are lots of different places I like to go to explore. I've written a straight-up jazz standard type song, and I've written a country song, if produced in a colour-by-numbers sort of way. I'm not really interested in having a specific genre, though. I don't believe people have to commit to anything artistically. It's like you have a kid who's great at sports but you want them to be artsy and read books all day, like you did. You don't want to be going to their football games. But they're naturally an athlete, they're naturally a jock. They want to be in that culture. You can't deny somebody, or a song, its natural properties. But then at the same time you can push back and not put on the exact colour-by-numbers string section."
--Regina Spektor


"A Private Public Space"
You can't trust lesbians. You invite them

to your party and they don't come,
they're too busy tending vaginal
flowers, hating football, walking their golden
and chocolate labs. X gave me a poem

in which she was in love with a woman
and the church but the church
couldn't accept four breasts in one bed.
When I asked if our coworkers knew,

she dropped her head and I said nothing
for years until this morning I realized
no one reads poems: my secrets and hers
are safe in verse. I knew she'd have enjoyed

the Beaujolais and I want to meet Dianne,
Mona Lisa, Betty, Alice,
the name's been changed
to protect women who can't stand in a room
holding hands because you can't trust
heterosexuals to love love, however
it comes. So I recorded

the party for her, for them, the mic
a bit away from the action
to catch the feel of waves touching shore
and letting go, the wash of moods
across the hours of drink and yes, some grapes
were thrown and I breathed
the quickening revelation
of a cigarette, someone said "I gave up
underwear for Lent" and I hope

they play the tape while making love.
As if finally the world's made happy
by who they are, laughing with, not at
the nipple lick clit kiss hug
in bed and after, the on and on
of meals and moons and bills
and burning days of pretending
they don't exist. "Who's she? Just

a friend." And oceans are merely dew
upon the land.
--Bob Hicok


"Wings"
i.
Blue dragonflies buzz me like warplanes.
Their wings taste of rock candy,
smell like cellophane, hum
like a dentist's drill. I want it
in my palms, that isinglass, I want it
rooted to my bones. I want right-angled
flight. Their only cargo's that long body, the burden
of flight itself--I had it once. The plank
gave way; the bridge was tall; the wind
was stiff. And I resigned. Because it was over
I was quite safe. When water came up
like asphalt I barely splashed. That was it.
I still feel that wind and the ache
in my shoulderblades for want of wings.
I still feel height and the clarity of it.

ii.
The drowned women in my dreams
have me at last; weed-strung hair,
weighted feet. Hope bloats:
I'll carry them home, numb limbs
and all, tuck them into my sound
sheets. Comb their snarled hair
to silk. Stir them soup. Stoke
the woodstove. And sing, sing
lu lu lulu lu, hush-a-bye and
tie a yellow ribbon and this train
don't pull no sleepers. Till they're dreaming
in their soggy beds, dreaming of me, parched
field of brushfire grasses, bleached gold
and dangerous. Wave after wave
of heat, wave after wave of bodies
colliding in midair, torn wings still
better than ours, better than ours.
--Melissa Stein


"Olives, Bread, Honey and Salt"
The lanes are littered with the bodies of bees.
A torrent took them, swarming in branches
just as the white buds loosened their hearts
of pale yellow powder. Each body is a lover:
the one with skin blank as pages; the one
so moved by the pulse ticking in your throat;
the one who took your lips in his teeth
and wouldn't let go; the one who turned
from you and lay there like a carcass. If we were
made to be whole, we wouldn't be so lost
to each offering of tenderness and a story.
Therefore our greatest longing is our home.
There is always the one bee that circles and circles,
twitching its sodden wings.
--Melissa Stein


"Colors passing through us"
Purple as tulips in May, mauve
into lush velvet, purple
as the stain blackberries leave
on the lips, on the hands,
the purple of ripe grapes
sunlit and warm as flesh.

Every day I will give you a color,
like a new flower in a bud vase
on your desk. Every day
I will paint you, as women
color each other with henna
on hands and on feet.

Red as henna, as cinnamon,
as coals after the fire is banked,
the cardinal in the feeder,
the roses tumbling on the arbor
their weight bending the wood
the red of the syrup I make from petals.

Orange as the perfumed fruit
hanging their globes on the glossy tree,
orange as pumpkins in the field,
orange as butterflyweed and the monarchs
who come to eat it, orange as my
cat running lithe through the high grass.

Yellow as a goat's wise and wicked eyes,
yellow as a hill of daffodils,
yellow as dandelions by the highway,
yellow as butter and egg yolks,
yellow as a school bus stopping you,
yellow as a slicker in a downpour.

Here is my bouquet, here is a sing
song of all the things you make
me think of, here is oblique
praise for the height and depth
of you and the width too.
Here is my box of new crayons at your feet.

Green as mint jelly, green
as a frog on a lily pad twanging,
the green of cos lettuce upright
about to bolt into opulent towers,
green as Grand Chartreuse in a clear
glass, green as wine bottles.

Blue as cornflowers, delphiniums,
bachelors' buttons. Blue as Roquefort,
blue as Saga. Blue as still water.
Blue as the eyes of a Siamese cat.
Blue as shadows on new snow, as a spring
azure sipping from a puddle on the blacktop.

Cobalt as the midnight sky
when day has gone without a trace
and we lie in each other's arms
eyes shut and fingers open
and all the colors of the world
pass through our bodies like strings of fire.
--Marge Piercy


"Land"
his approach
to love he said
was that of a farmer

most love like
hunters and like
hunters most kill
what they desire

he tills
soil through toes
nose in the wet
earth he waits
prays to the gods
and slowly harvests
ever thankful
--Suheir Hammad


"Sunday Morning"
I
Complacencies of the peignoir, and late
Coffee and oranges in a sunny chair,
And the green freedom of a cockatoo
Upon a rug mingle to dissipate
The holy hush of ancient sacrifice.
She dreams a little, and she feels the dark
Encroachment of that old catastrophe,
As a calm darkens among water-lights.
The pungent oranges and bright, green wings
Seem things in some possession of the dead,
Winding across wide water, without sound.
The day is like wide water, without sound,
Stilled for the passing of her dreaming feet
Over the seas, to silent Palestine,
Dominion of the blood and sepulchre.

II
Why should she give her bounty to the dead?
What is divinity if it can come
Only in silent shadows and in dreams?
Shall she not find in comforts of the sun,
In pungent fruit and bright, green wings, or else
In any balm or beauty of the earth,
Things to be cherished like the thought of heaven?
Divinity must live within herself:
Passions of rain, or moods in falling snow;
Grievings in loneliness, or unsubdued
Elations on wet roads on autumn nights;
All pleasures and all pains, remembering
The bough of summer and the winter branch.
These are the measures destined for her soul.

III
Jove in the clouds had his inhuman birth.
No mother suckled him, no sweet land gave
Large-mannered motions to his mythy mind.
He moved among us, as a muttering king,
Magnificent, would move among his hinds,
Until our blood, commingling, virginal,
With heaven, brought such requital to desire
The very hinds discerned it, in a star.
Shall our blood fail? Or shall it come to be
The blood of paradise? And shall the earth
Seem all of paradise that we shall know?
The sky will be much friendlier then than now,
A part of labor and a part of pain,
And next in glory to enduring love,
Not this dividing and indifferent blue.

IV
She says, "I am content when wakened birds,
Before they fly, test the reality
Of misty fields, by their sweet questionings;
But when the birds are gone, and their warm fields
Return no more, where, then, is paradise?"
There is not any haunt of prophecy,
Nor any old chimera of the grave,
Neither the golden underground, nor isle
Melodious, where spirits gat them home,
Nor visionary south, nor cloudy palm
Remote on heaven's hill, that has endured
As April's green endures; or will endure
Like her remembrance of awakened birds,
Or her desire for June and evening, tipped
By the consummation of the swallow's wings.

V
She says, "But in contentment I still feel
The need of some imperishable bliss."
Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,
Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams
And our desires. Although she strews the leaves
Of sure obliteration on our paths,
The path sick sorrow took, the many paths
Where triumph rang its brassy phrase, or love
Whispered a little out of tenderness,
She makes the willow shiver in the sun
For maidens who were wont to sit and gaze
Upon the grass, relinquished to their feet.
She causes boys to pile new plums and pears
On disregarded plate. The maidens taste
And stray impassioned in the littering leaves.

VI
Is there no change of death in paradise?
Does ripe fruit never fall? Or do the boughs
Hang always heavy in that perfect sky,
Unchanging, yet so like our perishing earth,
With rivers like our own that seek for seas
They never find, the same receding shores
That never touch with inarticulate pang?
Why set the pear upon those river-banks
Or spice the shores with odors of the plum?
Alas, that they should wear our colors there,
The silken weavings of our afternoons,
And pick the strings of our insipid lutes!
Death is the mother of beauty, mystical,
Within whose burning bosom we devise
Our earthly mothers waiting, sleeplessly.

VII
Supple and turbulent, a ring of men
Shall chant in orgy on a summer morn
Their boisterous devotion to the sun,
Not as a god, but as a god might be,
Naked among them, like a savage source.
Their chant shall be a chant of paradise,
Out of their blood, returning to the sky;
And in their chant shall enter, voice by voice,
The windy lake wherein their lord delights,
The trees, like serafin, and echoing hills,
That choir among themselves long afterward.
They shall know well the heavenly fellowship
Of men that perish and of summer morn.
And whence they came and whither they shall go
The dew upon their feet shall manifest.

VIII
She hears, upon that water without sound,
A voice that cries, "The tomb in Palestine
Is not the porch of spirits lingering.
It is the grave of Jesus, where he lay."
We live in an old chaos of the sun,
Or old dependency of day and night,
Or island solitude, unsponsored, free,
Of that wide water, inescapable.
Deer walk upon our mountains, and the quail
Whistle about us their spontaneous cries;
Sweet berries ripen in the wilderness;
And, in the isolation of the sky,
At evening, casual flocks of pigeons make
Ambiguous undulations as they sink,
Downward to darkness, on extended wings.
--Wallace Stevens


"Into My Own"
One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew--
Only more sure of all I thought was true.
--Robert Frost
[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music--the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself."
--Henry Miller


"Time and Again"
Time and again, however well we know the landscape of love,
and the little church-yard with lamenting names,
and the frightfully silent ravine wherein all the others
end: time and again we go out two together,
under the old trees, lie down again and again
between the flowers, face to face with the sky.
--Rainer Maria Rilke


"Tape of My Dead Father's Voice from an Old Answering Machine"
He keeps telling me he's not at home,
that he'll reply soon. He doesn't know
he's lying, that what's hiding between the space
of words is space he's gone to. He repeats his name,
which is not the name I call him. I call him now,
hear only the unanswerable space answer. Home
is always where we've left, the space that means "before."
I know to keep his voice rewinding until the space
of now begins to answer. At the tone, I can't find a home
for how all space rewinds. Lying, I repeat that I am fine,
take out the home he was, and leave my name.
--Marjorie Maddox


"Villanelle on a Line from Macbeth"
Stay, imperfect speaker, tell me more.
I don't want the house, I want its ruins,
cracked panes, grandfather clock, paper-like door.

I want the vines that engulfed exterior walls,
petrified forests of books and manuscripts,
dust-filled afternoons that opened like doors

Onto Hesse’s wind-silvered fields, onto myths
surging up out of the earth. I want the man to say,
"Stay, imperfect speaker, tell me more,"

as he did at the end of every long conversation,
saying "imperfect" and meaning "unfinished,"
saying it always as I moved toward the door,

as I say it now, again and over and again,
I want the words to rebuild the house in shambles:
stay, imperfect speaker, tell me more.

I know: if I went back, there would be nothing
or worse: a new house, pristine, immaculate,
even the vine-filled library gone. I left and shut the door.
Imperfect memory, please, stay, tell me more.
--Michael Davis


"By the Round Pond"
You watch yourself. You watch the watcher too--
A ghostly figure on the garden wall.
And one of you is her, and one is you,
If either one of you exists at all.

How strange to be the one behind a face,

To have a name and know that it is yours,
To be in this particular green place,
To see a snail advance, to see it pause.

You sit quite still and wonder when you'll go.
It could be now. Or now. Or now. You stay.

Who's making up the plot? You'll never know.
Minute after minute swims away.
--Wendy Cope


"Alzheimer's"
Chairs move by themselves, and books.
Grandchildren visit, stand
new and nameless, their faces' puzzles
missing pieces. She's like a fish

in deep ocean, its body made of light.
She floats through rooms, through
my eyes, an old woman bereft
of chronicle, the parable of her life.

And though she's almost a child
there's still blood between us:
I passed through her to arrive.
So I protect her from knives,

stairs, from the street that calls
as rivers do, a summons to walk away,
to follow. And dress her,
demonstrate how bottons work,

when she sometimes looks up
and says my name, the sound arriving
like the trill of a bird so rare
it's rumoured to no longer exist.
--Bob Hicok
[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"Dear Lorca,

"When I translate one of your poems and I come across words I do not understand, I always guess at their meanings. I am inevitably right. A really perfect poem (no one yet has written one) could be perfectly translated by a person who did not know one word of the language it was written in. A really perfect poem has an infinitely small vocabulary.

"It is very difficult. We want to transfer the immediate object, the immediate emotion to the poem--and yet the immediate always has hundreds of its own words clinging to it, short-lived and tenacious as barnacles. And it is wrong to scrape them off and substitute others. A poet is a time mechanic not an embalmer. The words around the immediate shrivel and decay like flesh around the body. No mummy-sheet of tradition can be used to stop the process. Objects, words must be led across time not preserved against it.

"I yell 'Shit' down a cliff at the ocean. Even in my lifetime the immediacy of that word will fade. It will be dead as 'Alas.' But if I put the real cliff and the real ocean into the poem, the word 'Shit' will ride along with them, travel the time-machine until cliffs and oceans disappear.

"Most of my friends like words too well. They set them under the blinding light of the poem and try to extract every possible connotation from each of them, every temporary pun, every direct or indirect connection--as if a word could become an object by mere addition of consequences. Others pick up words from the streets, from their bars, from their offices and display them proudly in their poems as if they were shouting, 'See what I have collected from the American language. Look at my butterflies, my stamps, my old shoes!' What does one do with all this crap?

"Words are what sticks to the real. We use them to push the real, to drag the real into the poem. They are what we hold on with, nothing else. They are as valuable in themselves as rope with nothing to be tied to.

"I repeat - the perfect poem has an infinitely small vocabulary.

"Love,
Jack [Spicer]"


"Show and Tell"
Sky the color of warning. Well not red but pink,
now salmon, it innovates faster than I have words
to shape into clouds on their way to their new life
in the midst of their old. There's no stopping,
no point at which a cloud kicks back
and smokes a cigarette, they're all process.
Between typing "process" and looking at the plastic
dinosaur head sitting on my "Impressionist Masterpieces
Art Cube," the pink disappeared where it had floated
like the idea of a tutu over Paris mountain
and I became bored with myself. So things change:
how exciting. Go tell the river, tell the cow
in the river. How about this: "Red sky at morning, sailors
wear condoms." That's more interesting.
I've never understood the claim by men that condoms
take the pleasure out of sex, it's not
like you're wearing a length of pipe.
When condoms were still the intestines of goats,
a man set stones into the ground outside his house
in Ravenna, where I'd walk with you in the tomorrow
I hope is coming this summer or next. We don't have to talk
about condoms or clouds at all, we can talk about the deer
eating their way across draught, no rain in weeks,
no way I'm getting out of this alive, or none of that,
just the ocean, that bit of interpretative dance
on the horizon. Maybe the goal was to stand still
and whisper across 144 miles that the battle had begun
by waving flags, one signaler to another. That's fine
for you and your Napoleonic wars, but what if wind
is who you want to go to bed with and you're alright
with the fact that she won't be there
even as you touch her? This ascription of gender
implies I know something
about secondary sexual characteristics
that you don't, but I'm no doctor of change,
just a fan, same as any kid in the bleachers
cheering for the boredom of the third inning
to be interrupted by a reading of Proust. Madeleines.
How yum. This sky has cleared, by the way, of anything
but blue, and I suppose now I could pin
certain notions of clarity to the hour and feel
that I've honored what seems to be time
or the inclination to put language to work
putting up mirrors around the house. Even the feeling
I had at the start of this sentence has left town
already, and as another forms, part of me's
still waving at the last as the balloon slips away.
If I could talk to fire, talk to wood
right before it burns, in the second flames
tumble across the grain, in the instant
before that second, when wood's still wood
but the match is lit, I'd have, finally, a vocabulary
for being human, alive. This explains my pyromania
but nothing else.
--Bob Hicok


"Family Reunion"
The divorced mother and her divorcing
daughter. The about-to-be ex-son-in-law
and the ex-husband's adopted son.
The divorcing daughter's child, who is

the step-nephew of the ex-husband's
adopted son. Everyone cordial:
the ex-husband's second wife
friendly to the first wife, warm

to the divorcing daughter's child's
great-grandmother, who was herself
long ago divorced. Everyone
grown used to the idea of divorce.

Almost everyone has separated
from the landscape of a childhood.
Collections of people in cities
are divorced from clean air and stars.

Toddlers in day care are parted
from working parents, schoolchildren
from the assumption of unbloodied
daylong safety. Old people die apart

from all they've gathered over time,
and in strange beds. Adults
grow estranged from a God
evidently divorced from History;

most are cut off from their own
histories, each of which waits
like a child left at day care.
What if you turned back for a moment

and put your arms around yours?
Yes, you might be late for work;
no, your history doesn't smell sweet
like a toddler's head. But look

at those small round wrists,
that short-legged, comical walk.
Caress your history--who else will?
Promise to come back later.

Pay attention when it asks you
simple questions: Where are we going?
Is it scary? What happened? Can
I have more now? Who is that?
--Jeredith Merrin


"Wants"
Beyond all this, the wish to be alone:
However the sky grows dark with invitation-cards
However we follow the printed directions of sex
However the family is photographed under the flagstaff--
Beyond all this, the wish to be alone.

Beneath it all, desire of oblivion runs:
Despite the artful tensions of the calendar,
The life insurance, the tabled fertility rites,
The costly aversion of the eyes from death--
Beneath it all, desire of oblivion runs.
--Philip Larkin


"Absence Makes the Heart. That's It: Absence Makes the Heart"
Waving hello versus waving goodbye
is an interpretative act. We could make it
directional: from left to right is hello,
right to left, goodbye. The buoy

clanged all night so my sleep
would know where to go. I could pray.
Tambourine myself to death.
Electroshock the worms. Wrap the maple
in tinfoil and decry the lightning
that splits it as misguided and deceived.
Nothing I do will bring you back. So this

is freedom: being ineffectual. Here
is where spiders set up shop
during the night, here is where a crow
decided to perch. Then it gets up
and perches over there, beside
where another crow perched last week.
It would be peaceful to be a sail

except during the storm.
During the storm, I would like to be
the storm. If you're the storm,
there's nothing frightening
about the storm except when it stops,
then you're dead and the maps
are drowned. Within my heart

is another heart, within that heart,
a man at war writes home:
this is like digging a hole in the rain.
--Bob Hicok


"Everything"
The dead do not need
aspirin or
sorrow,
I suppose.

but they might need
rain.
not shoes
but a place to
walk.

not cigarettes,
they tell us,
but a place to
burn.

or we're told:
space and a place to
fly
might be the
same.

the dead don't need
me.

nor do the
living.

but the dead might need
each
other.

in fact, the dead might need
everything we
need

and
we need so much
if we only knew
what it
was.

it is
probably
everything

and we will all
probably die
trying to get
it

or die

because we
don't get
it.

I hope
you will understand
when I am dead

I got
as much
as
possible.
--Charles Bukowski


"A child said, What is the grass?"
A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full
hands;
How could I answer the child?. . . .I do not know what it
is any more than he.

I guess it must be the flag of my disposition, out of hopeful
green stuff woven.

Or I guess it is the handkerchief of the Lord,
A scented gift and remembrancer designedly dropped,
Bearing the owner's name someway in the corners, that we
may see and remark, and say Whose?

Or I guess the grass is itself a child. . . .the produced babe
of the vegetation.

Or I guess it is a uniform hieroglyphic,
And it means, Sprouting alike in broad zones and narrow
zones,
Growing among black folks as among white,
Kanuck, Tuckahoe, Congressman, Cuff, I give them the
same, I receive them the same.

And now it seems to me the beautiful uncut hair of graves.

Tenderly will I use you curling grass,
It may be you transpire from the breasts of young men,
It may be if I had known them I would have loved them;
It may be you are from old people and from women, and
from offspring taken soon out of their mother's laps,
And here you are the mother's laps.

This grass is very dark to be from the white heads of old
mothers,
Darker than the colorless beards of old men,
Dark to come from under the faint red roofs of mouths.

O I perceive after all so many uttering tongues!
And I perceive they do not come from the roofs of mouths
for nothing.

I wish I could translate the hints about the dead young men
and women,
And the hints about old men and mothers, and the offspring
taken soon out of their laps.

What do you think has become of the young and old men?
What do you think has become of the women and
children?

They are alive and well somewhere;
The smallest sprouts show there is really no death,
And if ever there was it led torward life, and does not wait
at the end to arrest it,
And ceased the moment life appeared.

All goes onward and outward. . . .and nothing collapses,
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and
luckier.
--Walt Whitman


"To Alsana's mind the real difference between people was not color. Nor did it lie in gender, faith, their relative ability to dance to a syncopated rhythm or open their fists to reveal a handful of gold coins. The real difference was far more fundamental. It was in the earth. It was in the sky. You could divide the whole of humanity into two distinct camps, as far as she was concerned, simply by asking them to complete a very simple questionnaire, of the kind you find in Women's Own on a Tuesday:

"(a) Are the skies you sleep under likely to open up for weeks on end?
(b) Is the ground you walk on likely to tremble and split?
(c) Is there a chance (and please check the box, no matter how small that chance seems) that the ominous mountain casting a midday shadow over your home might one day erupt with no rhyme or reason?

"Because if the answer is yes to one or all of these questions, then the life you lead is a midnight thing, always a hair's breadth from the witching hour; it is volatile, it is threadbare; it is carefree in the true sense of that term; it is light, losable like a key ring or a hair clip. And it is lethargy: why not sit all morning, all day, all year, under the same cypress tree drawing the figure eight in the dust? More than that, it is disaster, it is chaos: why not overthrow a government on a whim, why not blind the man you hate, why not go mad, go gibbering through the town like a loon, waving your hands tearing your hair? There's nothing you stop you--or rather anything could stop you, any hour, any minute. That feeling. That's the real difference in a life. People who live on solid ground, underneath safe skies, know nothing of this; they are like the English POWs in Dresden who continued to pour tea and dress for dinner, even as the alarm went off, even as the city became a towering ball of fire. Born of a green and pleasant land, a temperate land, the English have a basic inability to conceive of disaster, even when it is man-made."
--Zadie Smith
[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"Punishment"
I can feel the tug
of the halter at the nape
of her neck, the wind
on her naked front.

It blows her nipples
to amber beads,
it shakes the frail rigging
of her ribs.

I can see her drowned
body in the bog,
the weighing stone,
the floating rods and boughs.

Under which at first
she was a barked sapling
that is dug up
oak-bone, brain-firkin:

her shaved head
like a stubble of black corn,
her blindfold a soiled bandage,
her noose a ring

to store
the memories of love.
Little adultress,
before they punished you

you were flaxen-haired,
undernourished, and your
tar-black face was beautiful.
My poor scapegoat,

I almost love you
but would have cast, I know,
the stones of silence.
I am the artful voyeur

of your brain's exposed
and darkened combs,
your muscles' webbing
and all your numbered bones:

I who have stood dumb
when your betraying sisters,
cauled in tar,
wept by the railings,

who would connive
in civilized outrage
yet understand the exact
and tribal, intimate revenge.
--Seamus Heaney


"Tie Your Heart at Night to Mine"
Tie your heart at night to mine, love,
and both will defeat the darkness
like twin drums beating in the forest
against the heavy wall of wet leaves.

Night crossing: black coal of dream
that cuts the thread of earthly orbs
with the punctuality of a headlong train
that pulls cold stone and shadow endlessly.

Love, because of it, tie me to a purer movement,
to the grip on life that beats in your breast,
with the wings of a submerged swan,

So that our dream might reply
to the sky's questioning stars
with one key, one door closed to shadow.
--Pablo Neruda


"Alcohol"
You do look a little ill.

But we can do something about that, now.

Can't we.

The fact is you're a shocking wreck.

Do you hear me.

You aren't all alone.

And you could use some help today, packing in the
dark, boarding buses north, putting the seat back and
grinning with terror flowing over your legs through
your fingers and hair...

I was always waiting, always here.

Know anyone else who can say that.

My advice to you is think of her for what she is:
one more name cut in the scar of your tongue.

What was it you said, "To rather be harmed than
harm, is not abject."

Please.

Can we be leaving now.

We like bus trips, remember. Together

we could watch these winter fields slip past, and
never care again,

think of it.

I don't have to be anywhere.
--Franz Wright


"My Story in a Late Style of Fire"
Whenever I listen to Billie Holiday, I am reminded
That I, too, was once banished from New York City.
Not because of drugs or because I was interesting enough
For any wan, overworked patrolman to worry about--
His expression usually a great, gauzy spiderweb of bewilderment
Over his face--I was banished from New York City by a woman.
Sometimes, after we had stopped laughing, I would look
At her & and see a cold note of sorrow or puzzlement go
Over her face as if someone else were there, behind it,
Not laughing at all. We were, I think, "in love." No, I'm sure.
If my house burned down tomorrow morning, & if I & my wife
And son stood looking on at the flames, & if, then
Someone stepped out of the crowd of bystanders
And said to me: "Didn't you once know...?" No. But if
One of the flames, rising up in the scherzo of fire, turned
All the windows blank with light, & if that flame could speak,
And if it said to me: "You loved her, didn't you?" I'd answer,
Hands in my pockets, "Yes." And then I'd let fire & misfortune
Overwhelm my life. Sometimes, remembering those days,
I watch a warm, dry wind bothering a whole line of elms
And maples along a street in this neighborhood until
They're all moving at once, until I feel just like them,
Trembling & in unison. None of this matters now,
But I never felt alone all that year, & if I had sorrows,
I also had laughter, the affliction of angels & children.
Which can set a whole house on fire if you'd let it. And even then
You might still laugh to see all of your belongings set you free
In one long choiring of flames that sang only to you--
Either because no one else could hear them, or because
No one else wanted to. And, mostly, because they know.
They know such music cannot last, & that it would
Tear them apart if they listened. In those days,
I was, in fact, already married, just as I am now,
Although to another woman. And that day I could have stayed
In New York. I had friends there. I could have strayed
Up Lexington Avenue, or down to Third, & caught a faint
Glistening of the sea between the buildings. But all I wanted
Was to hold her all morning, until her body was, again,
A bright field, or until we both reached some thicket
As if at the end of a lane, or at the end of all desire,
And where we could, therefore, be alone again, & make
Some dignity out of loneliness. As, mostly, people cannot do.
Billie Holiday, whose life was shorter & more humiliating
Than my own, would have understood all this, if only
Because even in her late addiction & her bloodstream's
Hallelujahs, she, too, sang often of some affair, or someone
Gone, & therefore permanent. And sometimes she sang for
Nothing, even then, & it isn't anyone's business, if she did.
That morning, when she asked me to leave, wearing only
The apricot tinted, fraying chemise, I wanted to stay.
But I also wanted to go, to lose her suddenly, almost
For no reason, & certainly without any explanation.
I remember looking down at a pair of singular tracks
Made in a light snow the night before, at how they were
Gradually effacing themselves beneath the tires
Of the morning traffic, & thinking that my only other choice
Was fire, ashes, abandonment, solitude. All of which happened
Anyway, & soon after, & by divorce. I know this isn't much.
But I wanted to explain this life to you, even if
I had to become, over the years, someone else to do it.
You have to think of me what you think of me. I had
To live my life, even its late, florid style. Before
You judge this, think of her. Then think of fire,
Its laughter, the music of splintering beams & glass,
The flames reaching through the second story of a house
Almost as if to--mistakenly--rescue someone who
Left you years ago. It is so American, fire. So like us.
Its desolation. And its eventual, brief triumph.
--Larry Levis


"Heroin"
Imagine spring's thaw, your brother said,
each house a small rain, the eaves muttering
like rivers and you the white skin
the world sheds, your flesh unfolded

and absorbed. You walked Newark together,
tie loosened, a silk rainbow undone,
his fatigues the flat green of summer's end,
all blood drained from the horizon.

It would have been easier had you music
to discuss, a common love for one
of the brutal sports, if you shared
his belief that breath and sumac are more

alike than distinct, mutations of the same
tenacity. You almost tried it for him,
cinched a belt around your arm, aimed
a needle at the bloated vein, your window

open to July's gaunt wind and the radio
dispersing its chatty somnolence. When
he grabbed your wrist, his rightful face
came back for a moment: he was fifteen

and standing above Albert Ramos, fists
clenched, telling the boy in a voice
from the Old Testament what he'd do if certain
cruelties happened again. Loosening the belt,

you walked out, each straight and shaking,
into the hammering sun, talked of the past
as if it were a painting of a harvested field,
two men leaning against dust and pitchforks.

That night he curled up and began to die,
his body a pile of ants and you on the floor
ripping magazines into a mound of words
and faces, touching his forehead with the back

of your hand in a ritual of distress, fading
into the crickets' metered hallucination.
When in two days he was human again, when
his eyes registered the scriptures of light,

when he tried to stand but fell and tried
again, you were proud but immediately
began counting days, began thinking
his name was written in a book

locked in the safe of a sunken ship,
a sound belonging to water, to history,
and let him go, relinquished him
to the strenuous work of vanishing.
--Bob Hicok


"I Do It in My Sleep"
All I ever wanted
Was to have the skinniest thighs ever
Okay, and a Porsche
And a sugar daddy
And maybe a mansion

I've never been thin
I mean really thin
Well I've been thin
Like in a sick way
Where you could jab
Yourself on my collar bone
It was jagged and sharp
I could hang keys on it
If I wanted to

Selfish people always love me
That's because I can give more than I can take
And I always love the poor ones
If they tell me I look pretty in this light or that one

Sometimes I've wanted to kill myself
But I never would
never would
Because it would give you too
Much satisfaction
To see me choke on my neck blood
and gargle out your name
My final syllables

* *

The best I can hope for
Is a shot in the head
A warm bed
The best I can hope for
Is that I forget your name
And remember my own
The best I can hope for
Is that I wake up in my own bed
not yours
Save the explaining for someone else
I know everything already
And what I don't know
I'll find out after
I pull all the pulp from my neck
Off my list of things to do
After I find myself
In the laps of others
On the floor shivering
In a basement crying

Once I was so fucked up I forgot the alphabet
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't black out again
But black beauties taste like absinthe and
I was riding the free train to Sunset Park
And I was going to meet you in your bed
And Curl up at your feet like a cat and beg you to take me back
Because I felt so low
Because I wasn't the pretty girl you remembered

All good stories begin and end the same way
Either you die
Or I die
But someone has to tell the fucking story
I keep on saying
I don't want this story to end
I don't want you to walk out on me
To leave this apartment

You can play me like a violin
You know where to put your fingers
Around my throat
Knot them like a noose
Tangle me up in all
Your fucked up scenarios
Scratch all my records and throw them
from the 5th story window

you sewed up my eyes
with some fishing wire
I knew you'd gut the middle part
But that's the part they throw out anyway
My stomach is hollow as a steel drum

I am told I am too forward
I give people the wrong idea
I'd marry you in a heartbeat
But I'm leaving
Taking a train
To St. Louis
I'm in love with a right wing politician

There's very little truth in this world
So really it's not about truth
It's about the times I was too fucked up to drive
And you knew to take the wheel
The time you slipped your hands down my pants
Looked under my tongue with a flashlight
And saw my ghost
It's never been easy being me
Or anyone else for that matter
It's never been easy
To tread lightly over anyone
I am always the first to pull out the death card
I am always the first to take turns eating what's left
Of your flesh after the birds have their way with it

I am the one who eats the leftovers
Spoiled at the back of the refrigerator
After someone went out to eat
Somewhere posh
I've never been posh
Down-home maybe
I've got a few tricks left up my sleeve
And cuts
I've got cuts
Sometimes I cut myself on purpose
Sometimes they just appear
And I don't know where they came from
Sometimes I think I do it in my sleep
--Zoe Alexander


"Way Out"
It's never been like this before.
I've never been able to say no to anything before.
Now that's all I can say.
Except to you.

I don't know how I'd begin to gratify you.
All of my vocabulary is selfish.
Sometimes I want to drown
when you tell me about growing up
and you were on some special diet
and couldn't eat what your brothers ate,
That you always felt different.
That you shot up at 15.
That I could never be like you.
Strong features
Eyes that carve holes into my face.
The perfect carpenter.
The worst track marks I have ever seen.

Let's pretend I'm lonely
and you're around
and I can hear you inhale from my bed.
Let's pretend that you'd placate me
In a way no one else can.
Let's pretend we'd never speak again.

Hi, my name is no one
and I have a face of wrecked glass.
Don't get too close or it'll slice you.
Don't touch me or you'll make me hemorrhage.

If I could read your thoughts
I'd know that you think I'm fat
With awful skin
And a strange laugh;
Or maybe I'm just projecting.

Let's touch hands.
Let's touch faces.
Let's climb into each other's skin
and never leave.
I want you inside of me forever.

I don't need a compass anymore.
I know where I'm going,
Straight to hell again
With no more drinks to drown in,
No more names to call myself.
I'm finally anonymous.
I'm finally on my way out.

Your eyes are piercing,
Your hair is falling out,
Your mouth is too far away for me to touch,
And I'd let you call me names.

I can't remember what you said about Vegas,
Something about the bunny ranch,
Something about doing heroin.
Your arms were kept separate,
One for shooting coke and
one for shooting dope.
You were always organized.
I have always been polite;
Even when I'm yelling
There's a voice inside of me saying
Be quiet
Just be still and quiet.

My mother used to climb the stairs like an assassin
There were never enough pills to calm her
Never enough booze to shut her up
Her face was a cherry snow cone that day
And I'll always remember it,
At 3 how she wanted to die and leave me
All the blood in the bathtub
All the empty bottles hitting the tile.
I remember the blood but I forget her voice.
I remember her hands, cracked and covered in dry blood.
I remember the towel over her face.

I remember boxes, bearing my name
In pastel cursive, Zoe
I love you
All the letter bracelets
All the handiwork they let you make
In the psych ward.

My father slicked my hair back before school
My father made the PTA brownies
And I became the daddy's girl
You'll always resent me for being.

After too many days of crying
After too many days of holding my breath under water
I promised myself I'd never need anyone again

But I've needed you.
--Zoe Alexander


"Help I'm Alive"
Almost three years sober
And I am still learning
How to keep my head above water
To feel the spark I felt after my first sip
Of Jack Daniels, the rush I know,
If I drank enough I would spin
Like the skirt of a Flamenco dancer
But I could keep from falling down
If I knew just the right amount,
Just the right recipe for success
The spark in his eye, seeing me
When I felt like no one
Made me feel like something

Self-esteem and loveless dancing
Tragedy and the art of deception
Are all man-made words,
I pull the threads out and unravel
The sweater of my life
All the pink threads that were supposed to lead
Me somewhere
I am fragile and these red lines on maps
Give me panic attacks
If I could go wherever I wanted
I'd never come back
But uncertainty makes me nauseous
And still I don't want to know what
Is true
I believe in your skin like tissue
All the femurs and fissures beneath
All seem make-believe
But I wanted to see them
To know if you were real

You are electric but still falling apart
The stuffing falling from your ears
I try to push it back in.
I am lost and confused
All the ledges seem daunting
Every night comes without warning
My skin is tracing paper
My eyes are wet
You don’t know how to read the maps
In my skin
The quiet sighs I make when I am sleeping
You don’t know how to solve
The algebra in my face
The lipstick marks on the cups
Can stay
I am pacing in slow motion around our apartment
It took only a few hours to watch everything
Decompose
If I were prettier
If I had more degrees
If I could look you in the eye
Like a viper, ready
To attack at any moment
How would you react?
I have no tact but you consume
Me and suspend me into belief.
--Zoe Alexander


"Jones"
I am addicted to this city, having seen Houston Street high
on substances;

The marijuana causes much headiness

On speed the lights flash electricity -- the word "Katz" burns
itself to the insides of my eyeballs

Tequila brings heightened awareness on Ludlow Street

From the corner of Stanton I begin to negotiate how I am going
to cross Delancey

It's a Saturday night
I'm home watching America's Most Wanted
And I'm writing a poem about addictions, perversions, and
debauchery proper
A poem about New York
On the TV, a cop wrestles a guy to the ground
Apparently he was cooking crank in his bathtub
A baby toddles out onto the lawn where her daddy is flopping
about like a fish

When my father died, I fought for his fishing trophies, his
fisherman statue carved out of wood and the humongous striped
bass that hung in the garage, still smelling like ocean

I remember the trip to the taxidermist and helping my father pick
out the watchful glass eye, it was green and cloudy and I swore
I saw it move once when I was in high school and on acid

In the end, my brother packed up my father's car, with my
father's electronic equipment, his statues and trophies

My mother and I stood in the driveway and watched my brother
drive away before we went back inside to finish the thank-
you cards

I once wrote an essay about my father, how when he taught me
how to swim, he taught me how to treat the ocean

I told my mother not to touch the fish

I was going to rent a truck and drive it away, along with my old
books and journals

I was going to hang it on my kitchen wall so I could smell the
ocean as I drank my morning coffee

When I returned to her house the following week the fish was
gone -- in the garbage or maybe at the Goodwill, she couldn't
remember what she did with it

So it's Saturday night
I'm single and this time I'm not drinking
All I can do is reminisce
Like when I pass by the Polish bar as someone swings the
door open
And the beautiful noise of drunken chatter, the rhapsody of
secondhand smoke and the familiar strains of "Sympathy for
the Devil"escape
I am reminded of the quarts of beer served in Styrofoam cups,
beer nuts that I later find trapped in my bra
And for some reason my pants are in the kitchen in the morning

I stopped drinking when I woke up one day with a man I did not
know, snoring next to me on the bed
I stopped partying when I didn't want to wake up anymore

This city is full of madness and I am addicted to this city

Having seen First Avenue on mushroms and a bit of magic
It began to snow
I said to my lover "this snow, it looks like snowflakes,
stereotypical snowflakes the kind you cut out of paper and
see in cartoons"
"I feel like they're kissing my face," he said
On the train ride home to Brooklyn, he said "honey I may not
be able to perform tonight"
And I said, "that's okay, I just want to touch your chin"

This city is full of escape and I am addicted to this city

In the tiny bathroom of a way-off Broadway theater, five of
us crowd around a full-length mirror we have just removed
and balanced on the toilet. On this mirror we
vacuum up powder and caked-on dust through cutoff straws
into our noses. We return late for the second act but stand at
attention in the back, feeling the dialogue as if it is our own.
Later we form a circle on the floor of someone's apartment,
a lazy Susan sits and spins in the middle, a pile of white is
distributed evenly among us. Our fourth walls display their
ability to break down.

This city is full of promise and I am addicted to this city

Then there's the ecstasy, oh the ecstasy! When have I not felt
like jumping from rooftop to rooftop, singing a punk rock
version of "Rose's Turn," wrapped in satin sheets the color
of the night sky? Kicking in you feel like jumping out, that
tiny explosion that turns complacency into elation, enemies
into friends, friends into lovers, lovers into mythological
creatures with unimaginable, near embarrassing talents.
Through a kiss you can reach their soul. Your fingers never
felt so good, a furnace of sensation burns between you and
the person you are sitting next to on the couch and you are
both eaten by the flames.

This city is full of freedom and I am addicted to this city.

Having seen Sixth Avenue under the influence of abstracts,
that moment at a party on Twenty-Fifth Street with a
friend you almost lost to jealousy and nonsense. You sit on
the couch, cry, embrace, say "I love you, I miss you." You
walk the thirty blocks to her apartment, holding her hand
wanting to hold her all night. Later, you both stand in her
doorway, raccoon-eyed, feeling closer to her than you ever could
to a lover.

All roads lead to the walk of shame, sex-funky and subversive,
awakening to a new day in a new place. Early in the
morning I roam amongst people who deliver newspapers,
walk dogs and jog. The most I can do is thank the goddess I
remembered my sunglasses. In my vinyl pants and sparkly
tank top, I am a yesterday person in the land of today. I
ignore the stares and my strappy platform shoes continue to
cut ribbons into my feet as I hobble along, not enough money
for a taxi.

The summer sky is a sight. At dusk, the buildings bask in an
orange glow. I have seen this from a sloped roof on the
Lower East Side, my fingers walking a precarious trail down
my lover's arm. I lie on my back, my head hangs over the
side of the building, the world is upside down. I can see a
candle burning in the window across the street. A woman is
rinsing a shirt in the sink, the water drips down her arms.
She notices me watching and we smile at each other. I close
my eyes and think of the ocean, when my father taught me
how to swim, the waves broke into tiny ripples at the shore.
He held me by the waist, dipping my lower half into the sea.
I could taste the salt water in the air, feel the sand in my toes
as my father taught me how to keep my head above water.

There are days now when I wake up and can't believe he's gone.

There are days when I wake up and I can't believe what's past.

My father told me if I learned how to float, I could always save myself. I learned how to float and I can carry myself to safety.

And this is me, not the drugs talking. This is me trying hard to
be better.
--Cheryl Burke
[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"Hanina's Letters"
I.
A friend once claimed she saw my hair spell words
in wild cursive on the pillow, while I drooled on into sleep.

A poet, even when you snore, she said. I said, I don't snore!
She said, Metaphor. I said, Right. But is it true about my hair?

Then I thought...it makes a certain sense:
the burning bush that is my hair, my hair that curls
because I am a Jew, would speak a burning word
or two out of the desert of my sleep. Oh,

that is deep!
I said. She said, What? I said, Exactly. What?
What are we, if not poetry of family tree?


She said, But,
I said, What?

She said, What language did your hair leak onto pillow?
I said, You tell me!

She said, See, you were spelling fast. I didn't think to ask.
So I said, Language of the past!

You know that Jews read backwards, right?

She said, Books read right to left?

I said, Yes, time-travel style!
She said, We are in the future?
I said, Yes, and my hair is in the past.

She said nothing. I said, Hair is in the past!
She just laughed and said, I'm out. This is too queer,

and then she passed out on the couch. I watched her hair
for minutes in the moonlight. Straight as grass. Silent
as dew. I twirled my curls and sighed, it's true. It's queer
to be a poet. A poet and a Jew.


II.
Two thousand years ago, a teacher called Hanina
preached Torah. Tender. Always blushing,
as if it were a letter from a lover. Meanwhile,
the Romans roamed the desert, arm in arm
destroying all things Jew.
Hanina's friends warned,
They're coming for you, but still the Rabbi read sweet
messages from G-d, until the Romans found
a vestige of his teachings. They caught him,
reaching thirsty toward the heavens,
pulling stories from the text. The Romans told his students,
watch this lesson, while they rolled him up in the Torah,
and let a slow torch take the scroll. The students
cried, Hanina,
please, what do you see?
The Rabbi called, The parchment,
it is burning. The letters are flying

free.


III.
Sixteen years ago, I left a love-note on the bathroom counter
in my parents' home. It was folded, like 8th grade notes were folded
back then. My mother found the note, unwrapped my secret,
and read it back to me from memory. I cried. Denied. Swore,

I'm not gay, we only play like this.
Don't want to kiss her, like I said!
Eww, no, don't want her in my bed,


and Mom just shook her head, then recommended therapy.
I found the note and burned it later (they can't prove
what they can't see) and we didn't talk about it again 'til I was 23,

but all that time, I knew they knew me.

Here's the thing:
despite the shame, I was relieved. The paper had burned,
but the truth was out there, flying free.

Rabbi Hanina: I am embers. I can feel that's nothing
new. It's queer to be a
poet,
to be a
poet. A Jew. It's queer to be a
poet. To be. To be a.
to b
e.
To Be.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Advice for the Newly Single"
Be a fierce-dragon lonely-queen,
Emma. Be a drunk, barren

crowbar. Be a cocktail-waitress, heart-sewn
tease. Be a desert plant, Susie.

Succulent. Need no water at hand.
Be an empty-fridge, sale-salad

scrimper. Be a sharp-tongued solo
chef. Anna: watch TV on a lonely moon

through the static of milky way
reception. Concentrate

on falling asleep. Slut,
Mona. Slut your book open.

Keep your legs open.
Do not write any name but
your name on those acre-wide
pages. Be hollow,

Sally. Keep canary-singing
in a thirsty well. Be a singing

flighty bird with an open beak.
Don't try a cushion,

Mary. Don't swallow soft.
Chew only sticks: carrots, twigs.

Sit on your bones.
Sit on their bones.

Don't try for dreams.
Don't try for dollars,
Leah, this is a coin job
for you. Turn out the light.
Tear out your eyes.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Holes"
There are those that we fall in.
"We" meaning: women starring
in romantic comedies, or rather
starring in the loose cinematic
loop of our egos.

There are those we literally
fall into: potholes in the middle
of the street, our skirts flying up,
over our heads. Our hair
flying up, to heaven.

Our screams flying up to the mitt
of a man, who wraps them around his
wrist to hear again later. And we fall
into what: the city sewer?
We never reach the bottom.

We just fall like pretty things
should fall. It's all about a quick laugh
and then the show
of our panties: either polka dotted
or shamefully plain, baggy.

And there there is the flash
of fear: our eyes filling like plates,
our mouths pursed like whistles.
Upsidedown in panic, wondering
(how) will this end?

Although, of course
we've seen it all before.
Which means: a tall man
will throw a rope,
sooner or later.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Change Is a Demanding Lover,"
and I don't mean simply that she'll sit on top and ask for
more than you think you can give, although she'll do that.
And you will thrust harder and go longer with her than any
somebody should: when you have to work in the morning,
when the neighbors might wonder, when wives and
husbands are waiting for wayward spouses to come home.
Sweating this much for this many days in a row can't be
healthy, you will think, and you will ask, where is a glass
of unsalted water when I need it? Where is the person I
used to be, and why is the mirror shaking when the piggy
bank is standing still on the dresser? If this isn't an
earthquake then what kind of freak beauty is it, exactly?
And though you will be more thirsty than Noah was before
the flood, you'll find you've forgotten things you once
needed: how to hold on, for example, and how to swallow.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Dear Mr. Sunflower Butch, Growing Tall in the Parking Lot of My Apartment Building,"
I'd like to take you on a date.
I'm not the kind of girl who wants
to pluck you from your boots,
stick you in a vase, call you hers
for some short week. Call you pretty thing
while you twist and twist and twist

your neck toward the window. While you lift
your stubbled chin toward your father.
While you stubborn-sing baritone yellow
until the thirst is too much for your throat.
Until you can't remember, suddenly,

what kind of treats you used to dig into
with your now-gone toes.
I'm not the kind of girl who wants
you nodding, shiny Mr. Dapper
when the guests come around,

shriveled when she goes out of town.
Mr. Tall Sunflower Butch,
you deserve to stand how you stand
and get all that you need. See,
it's just I'd like to put on some short dress

and bring you water. Nose my admiration
up on tiptoes, right into the bowl
of your righteously seeded mouth.
When I say I'd like to take you somewhere,
I don't mean away from here. I mean,

Mr. Sunflower Butch, stay right tall
while I show you some chivalry:
while I reach past your shoulder
to tickle that fine neck. While I stroke
your petals with no urge to pluck.

If that's too much, I don't need
to touch you. I'd like to stand back
amongst the cars here, and the bugs,
and the neighbors. I'll just stand
in the parking lot, to appreciate
the length of your spine.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Magnolia"
There is something so tight about those buds on those trees
across the street. Something so cupped. So: fingertips
pressed tight together. Secret. Erect. New, and green at
their base. There is something honest, but something
dangerous, there. Like hunger, held tight. Like all of youth,
held tight. Like naked. Like invitation.
Like watch me. Like watch me.

And I do. I watch them. I watch
their pink-tight expressions.
Sometimes I almost whistle. Sometimes I say, Damn.
I am so turned on, as they are so turned in. Damn.

There is something so loose about those blossoms
on those trees across the street. Open on the tree now.
The size of open palms on the tree. Deep lipstick stain
on white teeth. I am taken with these sweet floozies, but I
wonder already when they will fall apart. I see petals
swaying breezily together, holding soft, like teenaged girls
link fingers. Casual.

There is something so loose about their beauty.
I don't think it will hold them through the afternoon storm.
I'm not sure it will last them through the season. There is
something so open-mouthed about those blossoms
(laughing) like, catch me! like, catch me!

Wish I could cross the street with my own mouth open
wide, wide enough to swallow each foolish girl-petal as she
falls. Instead, something goes winter in me. I do not cross
the street. I lose my appetite. I turn my eyes away. Let the
sidewalk hold out cruel arms.

Mmm, mmm. I shake my head. There is something so sad
about those blossoms, and something so tight about those
buds.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"B-Poem"
A house full of clocks:
I want to mourn out loud.
I want to mourn out loud

in a house full of clocks
full of hours
of days
of years
seeking a safe place to turn myself
inside-out without being discovered.

*

I want to be discovered.

Locking doors behind me. Turning on
faucets to drown out the sound.
Removing coat and gloves and sweater
in Massachusetts winter. Removing

shirt to protect my image. Leaning
over the edge of smooth porcelain bowls.
Leaning over the edge in public stalls.
Leaning over the edge in friends' bathrooms,
in my own home, with the shower turned on.
Leaning over the edge while I was supposed to be in class.
Leaning over the edge in high heels. On holidays.

After I swore I'd never ever again.

*

Watch me become a backward image- sequence
in a better movie. Here, the broken glass moves from the carpet
where it is embedded, piece by piece back to its original form on the bedside
table. While night moonwalks to morning, watch bits of seeds
blow against the wind to nestle back on their dandelions.

In other words I want to talk about vomit,
but I want to take it back
before you can smell gluttony
or illness on my breath.

*

What I'm saying is political.
Age four, learn: a girl gets hit
when she opens her mouth, and worse
when she opens her legs. Age ten,
learn to look down at your thighs and sigh
with disgust. Age twelve, learn:
a man wants a housewife
half a mother's size.
I want to testify
about the bingeing. I'm afraid
you'll think I'm a pig.

I want to say this,
because we are not pigs.

*

We are not pigs:
I'd swell my belly up good
with fear of my own power.
I would eat and eat. I ate. I
ate until I couldn't breathe.
I went searching for a door to lock
behind me.

I'd lean over that porcelain bowl,
and this is how the private performance began:
I'd lick two fingers on my right hand, or run them
under the faucet to make things go smoothly.
I would stick them good into my throat,
and I would beckon like a dyke;
it was sexual.
It was my art
and my sport
and my sex
and my shame.
It was my poetry.

*

So see how
instead of lingering in my lover's bed,
in my tile temple,
on my knees,
I would beckon in slow, wide circles inside
my throat, until it opened. Until saliva came.
Followed by rushes of liquid
splashing into the bowl, onto my face, forearms, bra.
I would cough and coax, until more
came. I would come
until my knuckles were raw
and I was empty
and spent.

I have spent hours
of days of this life
cleaning up after my own
vomit. Cleaning public
toilets, with shaking hands.
Wiping somebody else's shit
from the rim of a bowl,

caked underneath
my wet mess. I am

hours of days--a wet
mess. I am wet--
a mess. I want
to mourn out loud.
I did this.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"October"
In October, a pumpkin gets
desperate. Hands reach in to
pull orange innards away from shell.
Flesh goes stringy, clingy, releases
a scent that is humiliatingly sweet.

It all gets scraped away. Fists,
fingernails, spoons with teeth.
Storied gist discarded in favor of still.
In favor of a smooth clean wall
and empty eyes and gaping mouth.
Now pure enough to sing candelight

into goblin eyes. I wonder if we gutted
us too soon. Or, I wonder if there was
another way. Not so hungry for hollow.
Not so impatient to illuminate.

Sometimes, sweetheart, I dream about
those neighborhood bully pumpkin-
smashers. I dream they steal our gourd,
and smash it to comforting bits.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Dear Geraldine,"
My bow tie is crooked for you. The paper I write on
is yellowed with leftovers, and the top drawer full of dust.
The pot on the stove rattles and I won't remove it,
until your rows of false teeth curl again like twin slugs
on the night stand.

Your face is a marigold: cheap bobble of nature.
All afternoon I have wished to snack on goldfish crackers,
although they are not particularly delicious. See?
I am still a greedy fist for your cheese and carbohydrates,
mimicking the quick crumble of our conversations.

I want to tell you, your ear is a hermit crab: an ugly muscle
in a generic shell. Your ear is a hermit crab
and I invite you again to crawl clumsy close to me,
appall and entertain me with the strange shape
of your listening.

And your nose. I remind myself, your nose
is a troll under a bridge. The bridge itself is no miracle
of architecture, but it is a lovely--if dangerous--
stroll from the glare of your one bean eye to the squint
of the other.

O, bring back your many failures, the flat dirt of your
tongue, the rude earthen squeeze of your chest. I miss even
your wheeze, the sigh of a flattening tire.

Yours.

P.S.: Your voice, as I recall it, is a light bulb. Harsh glow,
and then the sad crunch of broken filament. Let me
unscrew your disappointment and we'll start again,
attracting swarms of godforsaken moths to the artifical
sunlight of our love.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Proposal"
Because a breast is not
a hand, but you can hold it. A breast
is not a dinner roll. A breast is not a napkin
ring or crouton. Yes it is. Because a breast
is not a baby bird, but cup it! Precious.
Because an angry mother bird is a red breast,
not quite a mouth, but you can feed it.
It can't feed you. Yes it can. Because a breast
is not an apple, but it's fruitful. An apple's not
a ring but you can shine it. A cup is not
a doorbell. Yes it is, when someone's home
to let you in. Because a wife is not a breast,
but you can stroke her. Yes I do
because a breast is not a door,
so marry me and be the hand
that bites the ring
that feeds you.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Welcome Back"
Take off your gown of gone.
Wayward girls will not be punished,
here. What is naked and glad again
is not a shame. Believe it or not,
there is no need to keep a dark garment,
once it has lost its shine. You can look over
your shoulder, sure, but go on.
Put on a new record. That whistle
you hear is not the kettle, it is your own
long letting out of breath. Welcome home
to skin that wants you. Welcome
to your own lit room, perfect
for the party.
--Elaina M. Ellis


"Solstice: voyeur"
I watched the young couple walk into the tall grass and close
the door of summer behind them, their heads floating
on the golden tips, on waves that flock and break like starlings
changing their minds in the middle of changing their minds,
I saw their hips lay down inside those birds, inside the day
of shy midnight, they kissed like waterfalls, like stones
that have traveled a million years to touch, and emerged
hybrid, some of her lips in his words, all of his fists
opened by trust like morning glories, and I smelled green
pouring out of trees into grass, grass into below, I stood
on the moment the earth changes its mind about the sun,
when hiding begins, and raised my hand from the hill
into the shadows behind the lovers, and contemplated
their going with my skin, and listened to the grass
in wind call us home like our mothers before dark.
--Bob Hicok
[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"Résumé"
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp;
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
--Dorothy Parker


"Other Lives and Dimensions and Finally a Love Poem"
My left hand will live longer than my right. The rivers
of my palms tell me so.
Never argue with rivers. Never expect your lives to finish
at the same time. I think

praying, I think clapping is how hands mourn. I think
staying up and waiting
for paintings to sigh is science. In another dimension this
is exactly what's happening,

it's what they write grants about: the chromodynamics
of mournful Whistlers,
the audible sorrow and beta decay of "Old Battersea Bridge."
I like the idea of different

theres and elsewheres, an Idaho known for bluegrass,
a Bronx where people talk
like violets smell. Perhaps I am somewhere patient, somehow
kind, perhaps in the nook

of a cousin universe I've never defiled or betrayed
anyone. Here I have
two hands and they are vanishing, the hollow of your back
to rest my cheek against,

your voice and little else but my assiduous fear to cherish.
My hands are webbed
like the wind-torn work of a spider, like they squeezed
something in the womb

but couldn't hang on. One of those other worlds
or a life I felt
passing through mine, or the ocean inside my mother's belly
she had to scream out.

Here when I say "I never want to be without you,"
somewhere else I am saying
"I never want to be without you again." And when I touch you
in each of the places we meet

in all of the lives we are, it's with hands that are dying
and resurrected.
When I don't touch you it's a mistake in any life,
in each place and forever.
--Bob Hicok
[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"Dirge without Music"
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,--but the best is lost.

The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
--Edna St. Vincent Millay


"Miscarriage and Echo"
He or she let go of my wife and me.
The doctor said it, stressing objectivity.
Blood on denim looks like water at first.
Water interprets wind subjectively.

The child returned their face to the wind.
If I repeat myself I should say something new.
The doctor's smile was a weak cup of tea.
Blood on tile's a form of clarity.

When I say something new I repeat myself.
A child would repeat and erase ourselves.
We had a list of names, column girl, column boy.
We waited for the face to decide itself.

She stood in the door with blood on her jeans.
I was reading a book I won't read again.
My wife thinks her genes let go of the child.
The doctor said no, stressing his certainty.

The nurse almost tiptoed around the room.
Wind takes a broom to water, repeating its name.
My wife and I slept awake in different rooms.
We each let go and have never explained.

It's hard to prove by flesh you give no blame.
Blood unlike water never truly goes away.
Each name carried a different clarity.
We repeat to each other it's impossible to explain.

The doctor hoped we would try again.
When we touch she moves like water under wind.
In her flesh I hear the names repeat themselves.
Blood on her hands will never be new.

It's impossible to stop wanting to repeat ourselves.
We slept in different rooms with our shame.
It's impossible to bury names under wind.
Blood disappears into water without blame.
--Bob Hicok
[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"The New Math"
There are these notions of how the world would be better. Shoot all the anti-Semites. Wear only red socks. Hunt truth like the wolf hunts elk, in packs, with relentless teeth. Make language stand up and be something like a house, give it the force of wind, the courage of a storm to destroy itself. What we think of as wild I think of as honest. Doing, not what you think, but what you are. The difference between counting the rings of a tree and finding a place in the sky. A theory toward wolf would be a fine addition to the history of advice. Train the spine to walk on fours. Claim only that which your urine can touch. Find faith in the scent of things. Humans are metaphors. Chagall was a synagogue dreaming of being a man. When his paintings meet, they lick each other like wolves. I go nowhere without alienation, I carry it like a pouch of anvils, not belonging is the way I belong. This brings us to the strange math of our heads, the impossibility of dividing by zero. If we could solve that equation, we'd be happy. I give you pencil, I give you paper, I wish you luck. Wolf would make a better denominator. Divide any number by wolf, you get wolf.
--Bob Hicok
[identity profile] two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com
"Switching to Deer Time"
Three dear on the nearby hill and maybe more
on the farby hill and probably every hill
in this place of hills had deer on it
eating the gray-green grass of December
in the early light. How I decide

to get out of bed these days is deer.
If I look out my window and see them
I know it's time to feed my feet
to the mouths of my jeans
and when I told my wife the deer
are my new clock she said they won't fit
on the mantle. The clock of three deer

watched me walk down the drive
to get the paper but I was alone
at the bottom of the hill when I read
there were twenty thousand dead
in Iran from a quake. Yesterday
it was twelve thousand dead
and the day before ten thousand dead
and I sensed a pattern. In the cold
sensed a pattern, with mittens on
sensed a pattern and coming back
into view of the clock of three deer
I waved and shouted I have sensed a pattern.

Of course they were intuitively aware
of this pattern, that everything
which eats also hunts and everything
that hunts is also eaten, including
the buckling Earth, including my mittens
and the mist rising from my mouth, the white
husk of breath, of course they ran
from my voice into woods
from which I later heard the pop
of shotguns, which sound soft
from afar like champagne being opened
but loud from near like flesh being opened.

It was just after the song of champagne
began that I thought, right now, this instant,
precisely as I put the corner of this toast
into my mouth, a boy, a girl sits on the rubble
of his former roof, her one time wall
and holds the hand of his buried mother,
the foot of her crushed father, not
because I am sentimental did I think this
though I am but because twenty thousand dead
means every sorrow we can imagine
and every sorrow we can't has occurred.
And deer are the best clocks because time

is twitchy, is a nervous thing
running away from us into woods,
into its own death and I don't like
wrist watches, have never worn one,
don't like cuckoos, all birds should fly,
don't like Big Ben because people
were tortured in that tower, time
is politics of the worst sort,
is who controls the numbers
and it isn't me, is never you
and just three days ago the clock
of the ground struck the hour

of twenty thousand deaths and tomorrow
the paper will say otherwise, will say more
and if I look into the brown eyes
of deer there is no time, no feeling
except peace, which isn't real but neither
I sometimes hope are we.
--Bob Hicok

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